From the Roof of my Mouth

Sometimes, Ryan still feels like he’s sixteen, sitting in a classroom staring at the marks on Nakoa’s arms, trying to figure out the enigma of a young man slumped in the desk next to him.

 

Ten years, they’ve known each other, and Ryan wonders how much of Nakoa he really knows. Ten years, Ryan’s been in love with him, and still, Nakoa’s holding his truths hostage. 

 

So does Ryan. He’s been in love with Nakoa for ten years, but the words have never passed Ryan’s lips. He might not know it, but Nakoa’s the most important thing to Ryan. Even if it means wanting for more for the rest of his life, Ryan’s content to keep things as they are, afraid pushing at all will push Nakoa over the edge completely and he’ll never see him again. 

 

Nakoa runs from any intimacy Ryan shows him, though, preferring to get wasted, never admitting he feels anything beyond skin-deep. It’s not that Nakoa doesn’t care. It’s not that he wants to hide himself from Ryan. 

 

It’s not about being selfish. It’s about survival.